So, Let Me Tell You About the Pineapple Guys

So, if you are lucky, you get a knock on the door and you open it to find a young man holding out a knife.

He asks if you want to buy some pineapple, and your heart slows down a bit as you notice the pineapple in his other hand.

Why he doesn't lead with that hand forward is anyones guess. The knife is just to slice off a fresh piece so you can sample what a great pineapple he is in fact trying to sell. Possibly for a touch of intimidation as well!

The problem comes if you don't want pineapple, things can get a bit intense.

"no, like this pineapples really sweet, you really want some of this pineapple"! and he waves around his knife hand as he enthusiastically describes the positive qualities of this purchase. Even if you insist that really, you don't want any pineapple, in fact, you really can't eat pineapple, and begin to close the door, they insist just a bit harder. Finally when the door is not slowing, they switch tactics and begin letting you know how they feel about pineapple haters. Guys, they get mean! These are not kind comments! Not words in my Spanish vocabulary if you know what I mean! But that little metal door gives just enough reassurance that you move on with your day, making sure not to go outside for at least 20 minutes to because kinda like ants, when you see one, you know more are coming soon.

See the pineapple guys always travel in packs.

First come the scouts. A few young, enthusiastic, knife wielding, sample offering guys who knock on all the doors and terrify the locals. Blinds close, and women hide their children when the pineapple guys come knocking.

If anyone wants to buy a pineapple, they offer a better deal-- why but 1 for 10, when you could buy 2 for 15! What an offer- the kind you simply can't refuse! They run back to the truck, or mobile pineapple stronghold, and bring out a few more to continue along the way. If the 6 guys by the truck aren't enough to protect the precious cargo, nothing is.

So, all this is if you are lucky to be at home when they come knocking. If you are not lucky, they catch on the street- no reassuring metal door! You see the scout and immediately start rethinking your path. Maybe You an dive into the bushes by the-- too late, he spotted you!

Now you know you are in for it! There will be about 4 or 5 more scouts posted about every other door down he next block. Each is enthusiastically advertising pineapple and knife skills for the purchase of some miracle pineapple!

-- let me pause here to say, it actually is the best pineapple you have ever eaten, hands down!--

When you spot the truck-- er, the mobile pineapple stronghold, it means you are almost through it! Except of corse for the 5 or 6 guys always waiting near the truck, waving pieces of juicy pineapple around on their knives-- waiting and watching.

I notice with sadness that my own knife is quite a bit smaller than theirs, and not graced with the near magic properties of strength offered by the pineapple juices.

They keep offering, and if you don't like the first pineapple, they pull out another. It's a mountain of pineapples here!! But with each new one, they cut out a piece and then push like "I've already cut it now!"

Honestly, I don't think any of these guys actually realize how intimidating it is to offer delicious fruit off of a knife, but they are fully aware about just how creative they can phrase the advertisement, while achieving a spectrum of creepiness with the delivery.

Avoiding eye contact is the best strategy here. It still won't stop the comments.

Now, I know I get colorful with my descriptions in posts like this, but the creepiness here is sadly not exaggerated. "come on, try some"! "It's so very sweet, just like your eyes!" Right- no cat calls are complete without bringing up the eyes.

Next comes "Oh, come on mamacita, try some pineapple".

The third guy got my blood boiling with "I promise, it's so sweet, just like love from your mother".

Well, I didn't want to buy before, but after that description .... -_-

They get progressively creepier the closer they are clumped together. It's best to buy from the first scout you see!

Again, those were the actual phrases used one morning, and it's sadly super typical for men to talk to women this way. It wasn't fun silliness, it was rude and creepy.

But... now back to the fun and innocent descriptions! of pineapple purchasing. Let's be clear-- some of the pineapple guys I'm sure are decent fellows who simply don't have discretion with knives!

I imagine the nice ones haven't learned how to use their knives yet.

Really though, what are their tactics to sell pineapples to men? Do they just pull out the knives and challenge to a duel?

"I cut you, you buy the pineapple. You cut me, I give you the pineapple for free"?

I could actually get on board with that!

Maybe it's an either or option.

Always make sure you have your knife sharpened and your earplugs in place when buying from he pineapple guys!

So, that's it, I tough you would tell you about the pineapple guys.

When in doubt, always go for the coconuts!

The coconut guys is quite the gentleman.

He's elderly chap with a wheelbarrow, machete and pocket full of straws. His smile has more kindness than teeth.